What Happened To My Body?

The topic should bring up one word: “duh.” But that whole pregnancy/childbirth things? Does stuff to your body. (See?) And guess what? It doesn’t put things back properly either.

For example: pre-pregnancy: Belts are optional accessories.
Post-pregnancy: Belts are required, unless your goal is to wear your pants around your ankles. Seriously. I pop out a kid and all of a sudden my hips go MIA. I know they’re there somewhere — I FELT them hurting/moving when I was 8 months pregnant.

In my stupidity, I’ve had to deploy several “stay up” pants techniques: the rolled-over waistband; borrowing a tie from a jacket/sweater; and borrowing a belt from my little brother.

Some of you might think I’m exaggerating. The Hubbs did too. Until I PROVED it: I walked toward him sans-belt and LET MY PANTS FALL OFF. And not in a sexy way. I don’t think he’s ever laughed so hard in his life. (See? SO not sexy.)

Another example: Shoes are the enemy.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve got Flintstone feet. I hate them. They’re all stubby and chubby and my toes all seem to be around the same length so all those cute, pointy-toed shoes are out of the question. I was (mostly) at peace with this pre-pregnancy.

And then IT happened.

My feet got WIDER. CHUBBIER. STUBBIER. I had to donate more than half of my shoes because they simply didn’t fit anymore. Shoes that I had worn for YEARS. Well-loved shoes. I was very bitter. I’m still bitter. Because I’ll never get those black flats back and they were my favorites.

Friends of mine said their feet grew 1/2 a size. Some say it grew a whole size. One friend is a jerk, because her feet didn’t change AT ALL and she got to keep all her shoes.

Also? Breastfeeding gives you lopsided boobs. Because one is an overachiever and the other is an underachiever. I can’t wait to see what they do when I stop.

I’ve decided that those long, flowing maxi dresses and flats are my best bet from here on out: The empire waist is forgiving to all my new lumps and bumps, and hopefully I’ll find a new pair of flats soon.

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