Return Of The Crimson Wave

Have you ever seen Eddie Murphy’s stand-up comedy from the 80s? You know, when he was still funny?

Anyhoo — I can’t remember if it was in “Raw” or “Delirious”, but Eddie’s talking about how women play fight with men and they have no idea how sensitive nuts are: “You can just … GRAZE nuts and he’ll be all … did she … did that just …. UGH!” And then he buckles over in mock pain.

That buckling? That groan? That grunt/eye pop/gasp? That was me, wonding what the heck was going on with my stomach the day before Scarlett returned to Tara. (Which is coincidentally the day before Aunt Flo came for a visit.) At one point, I thought I had food poisoning. At another time, it felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. With steel-toed boots. I was nauseous. I was dying of thirst. I was overly hot.

I was actually relieved when late that night, I saw that I had entered the Red Tent (to steal a friend’s term). The monkey was 8 months old. I had 8 months of the Crimson Wave built up. It was a hell of a storm.

I won’t gross you out with all the details, but here are some of the highlights:
  • I had to run to the drugstore across the street at work to buy jumbo overnight pads the next day because a “heavy flow” tampon and pad just weren’t cutting it;
  • I wore dresses all week because I was so bloated my pants were too tight and it was disgusting;
  • 13-year-olds had nothing on the acne that exploded onto my chin;
  • I had to change said jumbo overnight pads ever hour and a half because I would start to feel things POOLING down there;
  • OxyClean gets blood out of a couch quite nicely;
  • At one point, the cramps started to feel like labor pains;
  • I was freaked that I was losing too much blood;
  • The people who invented Midol should be given sainthood.

And after being irregular my entire life, now that I’ve had a kid I’m suddenly Little Miss Punctual on the 28-day cycle. Which is really weird for me.

Here are some things I WISH people had warned me about (so consider yourself warned!):

  • The cramps are going to HURT. Labor pain hurt. Your toes will curl and you’ll gasp and want to kill someone. It will pass. Midol helps.
  • Did I mention the cramps would hurt?
  • Buy jumbo overnight pads. You’ll have a “mini period” for a week or so after you give birth, but its NOTHING compared to this. You may get scared that you burst an artery up there and that you’re bleeding out. You’re not. Honestly. It’ll taper off.
  • Keep OxyClean, a ziploc bag, and a spare pair of undies hidden deep in your purse. Just in case.

Sometimes its not so lovely being a woman.

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2 comments on “Return Of The Crimson Wave

  1. Erin says:

    This post is like a metaphor for you removing a white glove, slapping me in the face with it, and throwing it down on the floor. I accept, madame!

  2. monkey momma says:

    Oh, moam … I wouldn't wish those cramps on ANYONE. Especially not a friend like you! (For everyone else: I stole the term “red tent” from moam. She's faboo. Check out her link!)

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