Those Crazy Birthing Videos/Classes

All birthing classes show them. You probably even saw some of them in high school during the “reproduction” lesson. You know what I’m talking about: the freaking crazy childbirth videos. I say crazy because 1. I know I’m going to go through this, but do I really want to watch someone else do it? and 2. You gotta have a screw loose to WANT people with video cameras in there, and recording your screams, grunts, curses, cries, and — lest we forget — your hoo-hah while a baby comes squirting out of it. I mean SERIOUSLY.

The hubbs and I signed up for childbirth classes, because its just what you DO. And they are very informative, and a good thing to do, don’t get me wrong. But it was … disturbing … to watch those videos. Probably because when we were there, I was 8 months pregnant, at full waddle, and having Braxton-Hicks (ie FAKE) contractions on a regular basis. Plus? My attention span was nonexistent. Instead of the content, I was focused on how little landscaping was going on in those videos. I mean WOW. And on TV too — you’d think you would go for a bikini wax or something. Or I would want to laugh at what the people said/did.

For example: One couple in the video said that when the woman started labor they were so thrilled and serene. So what did they do? They went FOR A HIKE. In the woods. Across hilly terrain. I mean, really? Seriously? Because in my head, labor does not equal a good time to go for a freaking HIKE. My thoughts went like this:

But what if she progressed really quickly and they couldn’t get back? They’d be stuck in the middle of freaking nowhere and she’s having a baby? What kind if idiots are these? What if she had to go to the bathroom? What if she fell? Did they bring water? I bet she got thirsty. Oooh. I’m thirsty. Where’s the water again? Oh, but what if she twisted an ankle and he had to leave her to get help and she had to deliver the baby herself while he was gone and OHMYGOD what if there were BEARS in the woods and they smelled the blood and … Geez, I’m starving, when do we get our next break?

Welcome to the mind of a pregnant woman.

So anyhoo, later in the video they return to hiking couple and the husband is complaining about how tiring the whole thing was. And I’m practically falling out of my chair I’m giggling so much because 1: What did he actually DO during the birth except hold her hand and be supportive,* and 2. Maybe you shouldn’t have gone for a freaking hike, YOU MORON. (*: My opinion on this changed when I was in the hospital and having the baby.)

As for the class itself, it was great. The teacher showed us all the “scary things” they use during labor so at least it wasn’t the first time we would see something. That was good. Cause in the birthing room they have this table on wheels that’s covered with a cloth (kinda like a magician’s table) and when you’re about to have the baby, they wheel it over to the doctor and uncover it and … well … I call it the table of very scary things. Because it looks like something a mad scientist would have and WHAT IS THAT YOU’RE GRABBING?!

Also, she taught us this exercise in how to relax/focus. And to test and see which way worked for us, we had to hold an ice cube in our hands and try not to drop it. So one way is to look at an object and focus on it while the hubbs rubbs the back/talks to you/whatever you want. The other way was to close your eyes and focus on the hubbs talking/rubbing. For me? Eyes closed SUCKED. Couldn’t do it. However, I could focus in on the hubb’s T-shirt logo for the whole 2 minutes and not be phased by the ice cube. I also didn’t like him talking because it broke my concentration too much. THAT little tidbit would be VERY IMPORTANT later on. As for rubbing the back? Who doesn’t like a back rub? (Side note: Pregnancy massages. Get them. Not an option. I got one when I was 7 months pregnant and it was THE BEST thing EVER. Because she was magic and made the back pain go away. And I got to lie face-down for an hour on their special table. That alone was worth it!)

But the highlight of the class? The lunch break. And this is why: We were one of the last couples to leave the class and as we stood outside the building, trying to figure out where we were going, the hubbs starts cracking up. He actually had to put his hands on his knees he was laughing so hard. So he finally regains his composure and points to the other couples slowly crossing the street. “It’s like ‘March of the Penguins!'” And I look and see all the other ladies slowly waddling and their hubbies slowing their own strides to keep pace.

And damn me, but I giggled too.

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